Friday, November 16, 2012

reconciling

It is a wild life. I have ridden it hard. Done good work for the world. Had a darn fine time and plan on continuing to do so. I have lived in many countries. Met many beautiful people. Worked to know myself and be at peace with the more challenging bits of me. Problem is, there are many disparate chapters of my life and not much to weave these different era's together. Just me. And you know, the human brain is a fickle ole thing. Just lately i have been writing biographical pieces trying to reconcile them all. Somehow these different parts of my life feel like other lives and lately, i kinda do a doubletake when they meld.
The other night i was finishing a feature article that was due and an old flame messaged me. I sat and stared at the screen. The words seemed like out of a dream. My life today as mama, writer and craftster trying to eke together a living based from home, is so many worlds away from the fancy free me before having a child biologically and shaking up mischief living rent-free in various colourful edges of the universe.
There is still colour. There is magic. But i miss my people. I miss those i have shared so much with over the years. I miss their input in the daily dance of parenting. I miss the easy dance of the likeminded, those who know and love you and have been with you through the dark nights and joys. I want to find ways to weave my different worlds. I want to find ways to be present to those i love but who dwell far away.  You know who you are. Yes, you. And you, and you. 
I think this is perhaps an internal shift and change of perspective. 
Part of it, is being at ease with the choices i have made.
Guilt at leaving. (Useless i know)
Bridging the gulf between me then and who i am today.
I am getting there.

4 comments:

  1. Oh hun, I very much understand this feeling :-). I have been experiencing it myself recently, though I must admit I was suprised to discover so.
    A couple of months back I was on fb, and happened across a (totally unconnected) post from a guy I had had a very brief love affair w over a five day stint in Vienna (oh! Vienna!!) many years ago, and as I peeked back through some of his photo's I found some from around the time we had met. Out of nowhere came tears... And not just the odd one or two- I sobbed, with them rolling down my cheeks! As nice as this man was, there had been very little connection between us (something that was less important to me back then...!) and as I sobbed I knew it was not for him that I was crying, but for the loss of that life I used to live. The self-indulgent carelessness, the adventures, the spontaneity, the discovery and exploration of beautiful parts of the world... I have never once felt regret, or loss of my 'old life', since becoming a Mama, so I was genuinely suprised at this reaction, but it felt very healing, and I'm glad to have experienced it.
    I love the way you have described 'The many disparate chapters of my life and not much to weave these different era's together. Just me.'
    You have put it into words how I sometimes feel when I reflect on my own life. The changes I have made within myself feel epic! What an adventure eh! :-D. Kia kaha beautiful sister Xx*

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    1. Tinks, your beautiful words have stayed with me since the day i first read them and am only now getting around to answering comments - these are busy days.
      How cool that we weave a friendship together and see each other through our different yet similar histories. The magic of the internet huh? And Vienna, yes...perhaps our eyes met one day back then, walking the streets of vienna?! Much love to you beautiful one,
      anissa

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  2. That is a very beautiful piece of writing, Niss. Beautiful because it is heartfelt. xxx Meghan

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